The Devil's Dictionary (LOLOLOLOL)

[dixiebell]

Who knew reading a dictionary could be fun  *ROTFL*
http://sedition.com/ddx/

sane
1. recently fallen out of love.
2. characterized by the ability to foresee and understand cause and effect, like jumping off a building leading to death and denying the existence of God leading to happy and restful nights. 

Santa Claus
the champion of secular tyranny; the Agnostic’s answer to church-based behavioral modification techniques for children; training wheels for Jesus. 
 
Scientology
1. a traveling sideshow based out of LA; Quakerism with a computer chip in its ass and a salesman on its breath; secular humanism wed to spiritism by a Catholic priest.
2. the religion of the irreligious; the faith of moviestars.
3. science and the suffix -ology mean approximately the same thing; proof that doubling a word can add to its impact; e.g., “dumb-dumb.” 
 
serial killer
1. one who feels liberated by his first kill, with a slight tendency toward anal retention; a serialist.
2. a graduate of any creative writing program; a writer.
3. a near graduate of any music program; a musicologist.
4. a combination psychopath/crossword puzzle enthusiast, extroverted and self-actualized; some particularly successful examples are quoted on the back of Anthony Robbins’s latest books.

 sex
an act which one never has to admit to unless it’s caught on video tape, or on plus-sized blue rayon. 

shame
the painful juncture of memory and sobriety. 
  
shark attack
1. a triumphant I-told-you-so for all those afraid of the water.
2. a backstage pass at a Vanilla Fudge concert.
3. an event entirely less likely than being killed by a bee sting or lightning strike, but more often discussed in the news media than anything but felonious or topless celebrities.

Shatner, William
an embarrassing proto-type of Christopher Walken reduced from Captain to Priceline whore.

sheep-fucker
1. a connoisseur of lanolin.
2. a native of Colorado.

shelter
1. caller ID.
2. Americana specified, ages fifteen to twenty five, Jack Daniel’s.
3. a bomb shelter with enough marijuana to last Snoop Dog, Cheech and Chong and that guy from the carpet commercial who says, “I guarantee it,” into the next millennium.
4. an intravenous ready hospital bed next to a six foot hole in the ground marked by a granite nametag alongside either a comfortably realistic life projection, or an utter lie.
shiner 
 
sleep
the relative or temporary absence of insomnia. 
 
slut
a woman with an under-developed business sense.
compare to whore. 
 
snog
to kiss—another attempt by the English to eradicate sex through the use of terminology which makes it sound too disgusting to contemplate; other noteworthy entries in their bid to end sexual desire include shag, bugger, and Geri Halliwell.
 
sober
1. sincerely broke.
2. dead.
 
Social Security
a good one.
see joke.  
 
subpoena
a legal document granting law enforcement agents unfettered access to one’s colon. 
 
sunbathe
to bathe in the sun’s emissions and subsequently reap all the health benefits that immersing oneself in a soup of gamma particles, x-rays, and other chromosome splintering radiation brings.