Why does it always happen to me?

  First let me tell you that I watched Jaws this weekend with my daughter. So that sort of explains my wild imagination. Well anyway, a few hours ago I decided I'd do a few laps in the pool. I like swimming at night, most of the time it's peaceful, so I went outside put on my flippers and jumped in. I never bothered to look around and make sure there weren't any sharks or other creatures that might attack me. So I was on about lap 12, thinking blond ditsy thoughts, when I saw something swimming at me. Instantly that damn Jaws theme started playing in my head, I forgot how to swim and tried to walk on the water like Jesus, sadly it didn't work. So choking and screaming I managed to get my naked self up the pool steps. Yeah naked, the kids weren't home, I have a pool fence and I don't really have close neighbors, so why not. I sort half ran, half jumped down the sidewalk, I still had on one flipper. I got inside and yelled for the husband, who is supposed to immediately come to my rescue, but nooooo, he couldn't hear me because he was in the playroom with the TV turned so loud it sounded like thunder. So I ripped off my flipper and charged up the stairs. So he looked up and saw me standing there naked, wet and dripping all over the carpet holding a flipper in my hand. This is the part where I start to get pissed, he said "Kinky, but what exactly am I supposed to do with the flipper". So I tell him that something tried to eat me in the pool, and he tells me it's just Laney's duck. I bought her this huge rubber duck that's like twenty time bigger than a normal rubber duck. I told him it wasn't the damn duck, by this time I'm cold, still wet and really pissed, and he is soooo not getting any, any time soon. So I went back outside with a golf club in one hand and my trusty camera in the other. I figured I could bash it to death and then take a picture for evidence. So I get out there and peek over the edge of the pool and its a fucking snapping turtle. Okay I know you think it's funny but they have claws and teeth and all my wobbly bits were hanging out and he could have bitten them off. He was a huge turtle! So I take his picture and march back in the house with my evidence. I show him my camera, and he looks at the pic and he starts laughing.  So I finally make him go outside and catch the turtle, all the while he's giggling and muttering killer turtle under his breath.

 I swear nature is out to get me, last week in was a snake in my flowerpot and now it's killer turtles. He really looked like he wanted to claw my eyes out, you would have been scared too. He could have bit off a boob and I could have bled to death or something.  



LOOK AT HIS CLAWS

KILLER TURTLE!!!!